I long
for the days when
I was full
with a superfluous,
scarlet love
when I believed
in forever
the way only the
young and
unbroken do
daring to disregard
the passing of time,
daring to flaunt
love like a
shiny, new jewel
the taste of audacity
on my tongue, savoring
the delicious excess
of finding
epiphany in another
I am climbing into the great blue unknown, my wings let loose, the earth far below. I can see higher and farther than I ever imagined. I can see possibility.
Without a cage, a tether, a burden, I am free to be anyone I choose, free to be a truer version of me, free to be selfish and happy and spontaneous.
Far beneath my feet, scattered atop the earth, are the remnants of what was. A short time ago, I would have descended and swept the soil and ash into tidy piles, rebuilt the fallen frameworks. But these wings hold me steady, graceful; they draw me higher.
I am soaring, ever higher and farther, until the debris is out of sight. For once, the others can sweep and tidy and hold the walls together...
The crux of this life is that it is my own and I can choose how to live it. What I have been given by circumstances, instructed to do by my elders, tempted into by weakness, beguiled into by lovers, I need not carry with me. I need only do myself justice, so that in the moments when I am alone in this great blue space, far from the noise and distraction and constant tugging of others, I am happy, proud, fulfilled.
And so I choose to fly. Into a precious dream, a full life, a lighter sense of self.
All this time I was searching for roots when what I really needed was wings...
It was a warm July evening, the California sky painted in bright pinks and oranges - the perfect backdrop for a dinner on the beach. He arrived with a tall ease, all blue eyes and boyish smile. We ate, we drank, we talked. He was curious but not scrutinizing, passionate but not naive, sweet but not a pushover. And all blue eyes...
"I'm awkward," he said, apologetically, in the midst of kissing me. Though he certainly didn't seem awkward; he kissed me so slowly, so patiently, like time had paused just for the two of us. Anything but awkward.
And then he was gone. Time ticked again, the earth spun again, my heart found a steady beat again. Occasionally, I see something that echoes the blue of his eyes and I wonder about him, just for a moment, before carrying on...
Possibility. The word dances on my tongue, fresh and sweet. Before me lies a new, clear canvas, an expanse of anything.
I am free to stop dreaming and start chasing.
I can write. I can travel. I can leave this life, build a new one. I can shed these dry, papery skins of old selves and loves and wounds and uncover a whole new me.
I am a whole new me.
I will not take much with me into the future; just a few dreams, a few mentors and an abundance of enthusiasm. Light hands will make it easier to reach out, reach higher, pick myself up, capture a fairytale.
...I cannot seem to find the right words for a closing line. Maybe because I am so preoccupied with beginnings. How extraordinary.
